shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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