Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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