She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
