I cannot find my penis.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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