I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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