He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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