I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
