My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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