Quick, to the slutcave!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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