Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
