Are we in a gay sports bar?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
