He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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