I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I want to be your penis for a week.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
