Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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