I cut my penus on the lid.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
