I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize
