And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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