I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
