I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
