I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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