You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
