you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You are the jesus of drinking
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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