Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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