My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
