It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
