I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
