Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
