I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
