i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
