Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
