i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's get the cat blown out
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
