I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
