I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
