Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Randomize
