Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
