the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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