I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
