Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
