so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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