i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wear drunk well.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
