just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
