My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
