Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
