My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
