It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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