Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
