How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
