I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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