drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
