I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
