I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
