btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
